A few nights ago, in response to a post about “Bullying” at church, I found myself leaving the following comment at a blog I like to visit:
Bullying can take more subtle forms, too. I saw lots of practically wordless bullying when I worked for the “Ladies’ Ministry.”
That’s in quotes, because essentially, our “Ladies’ Ministry” consisted of thrice-yearly get-togethers where the pastor’s wife would speak. There were virtually no activities other than these special events, few Bible studies or other small groups where women could learn the Bible, get to know each other, and form friendships. Instead, it was all about the pastor’s wife. Her elaborate themed events would require literally WEEKS of preparation and untold hours of work from many, many people.
Oddly enough, it was considered an honor to be “asked” (you had to be asked, you couldn’t just volunteer) to work on the decoration team. There was an even more select group, about a dozen of the church’s most socially prominent women, who got to be part of The Committee, who actually got to MEET WITH the pastor’s wife IN PERSON and discuss what they were doing for the next event.
Anyway, there was such a bizarre and totally irrational fear that gripped all the ladies who worked on the decorating team. I was so oblivious when I first came on board. I’d never been part of Charismania before, and I didn’t understand the big deal when some gals were freaking out because the two colors of cloth napkins didn’t coordinate perfectly with the elaborate fresh floral centerpieces. Some of the daisies had come in dyed the wrong color. I actually made the innocent remark of, “Why don’t we just call Mary (pastor’s wife – not her real name) and explain what happened?” My question was met with stunned silence as everybody looked at me with patronizing pity at how naive I was.
I soon learned that Mary was NOT to be bothered, not for ANY reason. She had a few minions who functioned as go-betweens, who actually got to speak with her on the phone. And even they (who were her supposed “close friends”) were extremely reluctant to call her. Everybody was so incredibly afraid of Mary.
I never actually SAW overt bullying on the part of the pastor’s wife, but I heard whispers from people who had seen her temper flare. Apparently that was an experience that you did not want to live through twice. And later, I also found out that one scornful glance from her could cut far worse than any knife. She had a way of lavishing smiles on those who did well, to where everybody yearned for her approval and worked like slaves to get noticed by her. Those who were the recipients of her disdain, though, might as well kiss goodbye any hopes of making it socially at that church.
It was a truly sick dynamic.
After we left our church, I came to the sudden realization (as though blinders had fallen off) that those ladies’ events weren’t even about us ladies. They essentially functioned as outreach events, designed to draw people in to the church and impress them. I realized that I didn’t even enjoy them at all, that they were stiff and uncomfortable and overly gaudy and cost way too much money (tickets were sold, usually at $10 to $20 apiece, depending on the meal served).
Executives at billion-dollar corporations don’t even exhibit the prima donna behaviors that our pastor’s wife displayed. It’s all so much the opposite of the “mind of Christ.” Even now, more than a year after we’ve left, I cannot believe we willingly subjected ourselves to that stuff and thought it was OK…let alone CHRISTIAN.
Taking a few minutes to write out my thoughts like that on the “Clarity Rediscovered” blog caused me to experience something of a flashback, as I remembered just what it felt like to participate in the “Ladies’ Ministry” at our old church. My time as an “invited volunteer” with the so-called “Ladies’ Ministry” at Living Word Church (for the record, NOT the church’s real name) was probably the first source of my disillusionment with the Smiths’ ministry, more than anything else.
When we initially came to Living Word, I naively projected everything that I’d known about “church” – from a lifetime of involvement in typical Evangelical/Baptist Bible-believing churches – onto Living Word. As I worked with the other ladies on the decoration committee, I assumed that certain things were just “givens.” I was completely unaware of the untouchable celebrity status given to Mary Smith. I had no idea that their thing for “excellence” actually meant frantic perfectionism. I believed that Mary, as the director of the women’s ministry, and as basically the only teacher permitted to speak to us women, must simply exemplify what a “good Christian woman” ought to be, in terms of her patience, humility, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.
Therefore, when “crises” would arise - like when the fresh floral centerpieces arrived and didn’t quite perfectly match the colors of the napkins - I didn’t understand, at least at the beginning, why it was such a big deal. I just “knew” that Mary Smith, as a kind and gentle woman who exhibited the fruits of the Spirit, would have wisdom and perspective about such silly details. I projected what I’d always known about women of good Christian character onto her and assumed that if we just explained what had happened, she’d laugh and tell us not to worry about it. I “knew” that she’d never, EVER care more about some trivial thing like napkin colors than she’d care about us ladies’ feelings.
But the truth was something quite different. I learned, soon enough, that Mary Smith’s decorating committee was ruled through fear and intimidation…that Mary Smith had an exceptionally sharp eye for detail…and that a few dozen ladies’ spirits rose or fell depending upon the expression on Mary Smith’s face when she entered the event venue for the first time and reacted to the room’s look and feel after we’d finished decorating. If she loved the overall effect of the decorations, her face would burst forth into a sunshiney smile, beaming her approval on everybody. But if something were even just slightly ”off” or not quite up to her standards, she would demand that it be changed.
And everyone would hop to attention, wringing their hands over the “ruined” detail, scurrying to do everything in their power to fix it.
That was the fruit of Mary Smith’s “ladies’ ministry,” at least the main fruit that I personally witnessed - stress, worry, fear, intimidation, and the feeling, especially among the new decorating recruits, that it would take years for one to ever fit in and be accepted among the “regulars.”
Because I’d posted that comment the other day, these memories of my time on the decorating committee were still with me in a fresh way as I sat in our new church this past Sunday and listened to a message about putting others first. It was nothing “revolutionary” – it was based on Philippians 2:1-4.
Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
No, it was nothing “new.” But as I sat there and listened to the pastor speak, I was so grateful to be back among “normal” Christians and out of the twilight zone of Charismaniac Christianity!
And I couldn’t help but wonder, how had Mary Smith seemingly forgotten that passage in Philippians? How had she lost touch with what it felt like to show up at the church and get all sweaty and grungy as we lowly helpers worked for hours to set up tables? Even if her committee would have all lost their minds and just thrown up some cheap paper streamers and covered the tables with newspapers, how could Mary Smith have gotten so out of touch with reality that she’d even DARE to flick a glance of disapproval in ANYBODY’S direction?
To answer my own question - I’ve come to believe that what I experienced during my time in the “Ladies’ Ministry” at Living Word was simply the fruit of spending years listening to sermons about “destiny”…and how we’re the “head and not the tail”…how we’re “above only and not beneath”…how we’re “blessed”…how we’re “anointed.” While all these things ARE, at least in part, true for the child of God, if you forget about how God’s economy is not our economy, and how God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise, then you will wind up completely disconnected from what real Christian living is all about.
Rather than being Christlike, a humble servant who puts other people first, you will behave like Mary Smith. Listen to enough “empowering” Charismaniac sermons, and you, too, will become a puffed up arrogant diva.
I just recently happened upon your blog and it is so great to read and know that someone else understands what I have gone through. We left a church we had been in many years where ‘excellence’ was one of the most used words. I totally agree with what you said. Excellence should never be at the expense of people or their feelings. We were always “hopping to the attention” of our pastors and making sure everything was perfect. It was always about serving them. I sat in a new church recently that we visited and the pastor was talking about loving and helping people. I almost cried because it was so good to hear someone talking about what true Christianity is all about. I am so sorry that you have gone through what you have, but I am glad that you saw the light and got out. Visit me at my blog sometime “What Really Matters.”
great stuff!
Your blog got me thinking about different encounters I had with prophetic “diva” type women in a charismania megachurch I used to attend. The church hosted these “Prophecy 101″ classes where the “anointed ‘in’” would wow us simpletons with their amazing prophetic abilities (making sure we knew that it would takes years before we could be as good as them at hearing God’s voice). And I specifically remember that they would shun anyone who didn’t agree with their prophetic insights (brave souls they were) and accuse them of having the “Jezebel Spirit” (spirit of accusation)… which is ironic considering they were the ones accusing. I was curious if you ever encountered this brazen misuse of the “Jezebel Spirit” label (or something similar) as a weapon to cut-down the opposition?
“Jezebel Spirit” is a favorite put-down among Charismaniacs. (I know this from reading lots of other blogs these days…more and more seem to be springing up all the time.)
But we personally never heard this. At our church, only our senior pastor was considered a legitimate “prophet.”
He talked and taught a LOT about “the prophetic,” but in the end, HIS was the only prophetic gift that counted. He outright mocked and made fun of what he called “parking lot prophecies” – those that were given in the parking lot after church. He often gave little asides in his sermons about how only those prophecies given in public, in the actual church service, could be considered legitimate.
Yet interestingly enough, nobody – and I mean NOBODY – was ever allowed to prophesy in the church services except for the senior pastor and whomever he allowed to preach. So essentially, we were given the message that nobody but the guys in the pulpit were prophets…although everybody wanted to be prophetic at our church…and just about everybody thought they were gifted in this area.
It was definitely an odd dynamic – the prophecy teachings sent an odd mixed message. On the one hand, prophecy was highly revered at our church and talked about a lot, so naturally, everybody wanted to be a prophet, because everybody wanted to be just like our pastor. On the other hand, we were clearly told all the time that our pastor’s gift was special and unique and none of the rest of us could ever hope to attain his credibility and accuracy.
Our church was odd!
I bet if you googled “Jezebel Spirit” in quotes, you’d probably stumble across a good many blogs, though, that discuss exactly what you described. I think it’s pretty common – our church was just weird in that respect. Our pastor jealously guarded his “prophetic role” and “prophetic authority.” It was the way he maintained so much control over the people of our congregation.
The church I attended had what were called “gatekeepers” who were prophetic wisemen that everyone had to go to if they wanted to speak a prophecy to the church. This sounded wise in that it was meant for filtering out the flakes from interrupting the service to prophesy, but in reality no one ever got pass the gatekeepers (if they ever went). The only people who ever prophecied were the pastor, his wife, popular members of the worship team, and a few of the prophetic elite in the church. Anyway, this is kinda digressing from the post but it definitely remined me of how the pastor and his wife called themselves prophet/prophetess and hoarded the “anointing” for themselves and their select-few (usually diva characters).
David -
Please digress all you wish.
After we left our Charismaniac church, I realized that most people – myself included, for awhile – spent more time thinking about and honoring “the anointing” than we honored the Lord Jesus Himself.
I had friends who would talk about inviting this or that person to church. I can clearly remember (and this was one of those things that made us finally wake up and realize something was truly “wrong” ) one occasion, toward the end of our time at that church, when my friend was talking about someone she wanted to bring to church with her. And she said, “Well, they just need this ANOINTING so badly!”
That’s when it hit me, like the proverbial ton of bricks, that something was seriously “off” about this kind of thinking. When she was referring to “this anointing,” she meant the power (or whatever it was) that flowed out of our pastor. She wanted to bring people to our church NOT because they would hear about Jesus there, but because they would experience the “thing” that our pastor had. In fact, most of the folks we tended to invite to church were those who already WERE Christians and already went to church somewhere else. But they just didn’t have “the anointing.” We all were under some sort of spell where we believed that “the anointing,” as dispensed through our pastor, was some sort of extra thing that needed to be added to our salvation in order to fully experience the Christian life.
And you’re absolutely correct, our pastor “hoarded his anointing,” too. I believe it was because that was how he maintained his loyal following. He trained his people to think that he was special and had a special channel to God that was not available to the rest of us lowly “normal” people.