The other night, while watching the premiere of Survivor 2012: Philippines, I was intrigued to see that Lisa Whelchel, former child star of the 1980s sitcom Facts of Life, is one of the contestants. I had vague recollections of Whelchel’s post-TV life. Raised a Christian, she’d ended up becoming a pastor’s wife, homeschooling mom, and author of a couple of books, one of which had gained some notoriety because it was a parenting book that advocated what Whelchel called “creative” discipline ideas that included putting hot sauce on a kid’s tongue as punishment for mouthing off.
Odd to see her on Survivor. Even odder to learn, after doing some random poking around to see if I could find her old Coffee Talk blog, that she and her husband of 25 years had quietly divorced last December. Back in my Charismaniac days, I’d read something that Lisa Whelchel had written about how she and her husband had gotten together, and according to what I could recall of her story, God basically told her to marry her husband.
I did a little more digging, and I actually found the article. Now that I’m in a different place in my Christian faith and no longer put much stock in the idea that we should be focusing so much on “hearing from God” (but instead ought to focus on the written Word He’s already given us), it was especially interesting to trace the Charismaniac elements of her story. From the Crosswalk site, here’s how Lisa Whelchel described her “arranged marriage” 12 years ago:
I’m so thankful that I waited to follow the Good Shepherd’s voice to find the man I was supposed to marry. I must admit, though, that it didn’t happen quite the way I imagined it would. I mean, come on, what daughter wants her Father to choose a husband for her?
Steve, and I became friends when I was assigned to a prayer group that he, as a pastor, was appointed to oversee. His boss, Pastor Jack Hayford, had organized “affinity” groups in our church to provide a safe place where members who were in the entertainment industry could be open and transparent about their prayer needs. Our group consisted of four married couples, Michael and Stormie Omartian, Gabri Ferrer and Debbie Boone, Dominic Allen and Charlene Tilton, and Bruce Sudano and Donna Summer. Other than Donna’s manager, Susan Munao and the other pastor, Minnie Whaley, who was an elder in every sense of the word, Steve and I were the only single people in the group. Looking back, I can see that it was a set-up right from the start.
Our group met once a month, and every month I had the same prayer request. At twenty-two I was ready to get married and start a family, and I wanted to find God’s choice of a husband for me. Steve and the others were dutiful to pray. I should have known something was up when Steve asked if he could lay hands on me and pray. Just kidding!
But not entirely.
Over the next two years, Steve and I began to spend a lot of time together, and we became good friends. (Interpretation: I was not at all attracted to him.) Every so often, he would take me out for “the talk”—the one where, because of his integrity and desire not to take advantage of his position as a pastor, he would confess that he was feeling more for me than friendship. I would assure him that although I thought he was a really nice guy (girls, you know what I mean), I was not feeling those same stirrings. We would then resolve to continue going out as friends as long as it didn’t get too uncomfortable for either of us.
I had a plumb deal. I had someone to go to dinner and the movies with, and my boyfriend wasn’t jealous. Oops, did I forget to mention that I had a boyfriend? I’d better fill you in. I had been dating a contemporary Christian singer/musician who was on the road a lot. One weekend when he was home, we were out on a date, and I felt I had to tell him about my relationship with Steve, just to keep everything up front and—even though he wasn’t the Jewish guy—kosher. I mentioned that Steve and I had been spending a lot of time together and said that because he was so “safe,” he was the logical person to escort me to functions when my minstrel was out of town. I watched my music man from across the table as he struggled to place the name with a face, “Steve, Steve.… Oh yeah, the church organist! I don’t have to worry about him.”
So now I had all my little ducks in a row. Well, actually, I was not so sure about one little duckie—Steve’s feelings. He was so sweet; I just couldn’t bear the thought of his feelings getting hurt because of unrequited love. This time I initiated “the talk.” As gingerly as possible, I suggested that we not spend as much time together. I encouraged him not to take it personally; after all, I was planning to break up with my boyfriend as well.
I explained that I was going through a personal revival with the Lord. I was even considering joining YWAM (Youth with a Mission) on a mission trip for a year after the last taping of The Facts of Life. I told him that it would be best if I just concentrated on my relationship with God for a while. There. I had said it.
I relaxed back in my chair at the same time Steve leaned forward in his. He looked me straight in the eye and declared, “Lisa, I could be good for you.”
Where did that come from? Talk about out of the blue. Who had sneaked into the restaurant, kidnapped “Mr. Milquetoast,” and replaced him with “Mr. Big”? I was speechless, which is saying a lot. (Actually, it’s not really saying anything, is it? Oh, never mind.) I didn’t know how to reply, especially since there was something incredibly attractive about what Steve had just done. I decided that it was best not to respond at all, so we ordered dessert and pretended that the entire conversation hadn’t happened.
Many weeks passed, Steve and I as friend-ly as ever, while I continued to wholeheartedly pursue my relationship with God. I registered for a seminar at our church conducted by a visiting evangelist. The last session was to be an anointing service. There were hundreds of people in attendance, and she was praying for them one at a time, so the rest of us sat waiting quietly on the Lord in worship.
I had my hands lifted to the Lord as a gesture of praise when I felt the sensation of a gentle weight descend upon me. I recognized this feeling as the presence of the Holy Spirit. And because this kind of thing doesn’t happen every day, or even every year, I knew enough to pay attention. As I waited expectantly, the thought popped into my head, Would you ever consider marrying Steve Cauble? I knew this was God talking because it was the last thing I would have ever thought to think on my own. My knee-jerk response was: No. Are you kidding?
I shrugged the Holy Spirit off my shoulders and got back to the business of worship. But the thought would not go away. So I purposed to ponder it in my heart, but I certainly was never going to tell Steve about it.
The next day Steve was leaving town for a week, so after the seminar I visited Steve at his house. We chatted as he packed; then it was time for me to head home. Just as I turned to leave, he took my hand, led me to sit down on the couch, and looked at me with unusual urgency. “Listen,” he implored. “Before you leave, I have to ask you one question. Would you ever consider marrying me?”
Wow! This guy doesn’t say much, but when he does…it’s a doozy. I laughed nervously. “Funny you should mention that,” I said. Then I told him what had happened earlier at church, and we agreed that this was probably something we should pray about. Yeah, I know, pretty discerning, huh?
In my opinion, this called for more than praying—this called for fasting! If you know anything at all about me, you know that something has to be mighty serious for me to think about giving up food. But considering the fact that I had suddenly lost my appetite, it wasn’t such a tough decision.
Proverbs 11:14 says that safety comes with a multitude of counselors, and during the following week, I met with every pastor or elder I could schedule an appointment with. They all loved Steve and me and thought this was a fabulous idea. But by the time Steve got back from his trip, I was more confused than ever. How could this be God’s will? I mean, weren’t you supposed to want to kiss the guy you were going to marry? And I really wanted children. How was I going to do that?
We concluded that what we really needed was council from the Big Kahuna himself, Pastor Jack. He would know what we should do. So Steve called him up, and he invited us up to his house after the Sunday evening service.
We arrived just as Pastor Jack and Annas’s favorite television show, “Murder She Wrote,” was beginning. We had to sit there trying to act interested in a show that anyone could figure out within the first five minutes. I wanted to shout, “The butler did it! Now, can’t we get on with something a little less trivial, like the rest of my life?” But I stifled my impatience—thank goodness I’m an actress.
Mercifully the program ended, and it was time to receive from the hand of the master. We gave a full account of all that had transpired over the past few months. We covered the friendship aspect of our relationship; we addressed our age difference (Steve is thirteen years older than me); we talked about what we thought the Lord might be saying; and we reiterated our desire, above all, to do God’s will. The only thing I failed to mention was the tiny detail of the lack of physical attraction on my part.
Pastor Jack paused just long enough to break into a broad smile before he delivered his blessing, “Sounds good to me,” he beamed. “I think you should go for it!” What? That’s it? No alliterated three-point sermon? No big words that I would have to look up when I got home? I was stunned. Before I could react, Anna was offering me a piece of strawberry cheesecake, and we were talking about Jessica Fletcher and that stupid television show again. Help! I’m on a freight train, and I can’t get off.
Little did I know that this “little engine that couldn’t” was about to become a bullet train. Steve left the next day to accompany Pastor Jack to the Foursquare denomination’s district conference. After Pastor Jack was introduced, but before he began to preach, a huge grin burst across his face. Steve was like a son to him and he couldn’t wait any longer to act the proud papa. “Before I begin,” he began, “I have some happy news to announce. Our very own Steve Cauble is engaged to be married to Lisa Whelchel.” Gasps and applause erupted from the crowd.
Let me make sure you have the full picture. Steve knew full well that immediately after the benediction, the Foursquare grapevine would swing into action. It just so happened that Steve’s parents are Foursquare pastors themselves. So he sneaked out of the service and raced to a payphone to call me. I could tell from his voice that something was wrong as he tiptoed on the other line, “Uh…Lisa…you may want to get a hold of your mother before someone else informs her of our impending marriage.”
“Come again,” I said, hoping we just had a really bad connection and I hadn’t actually heard him say that we were engaged and I didn’t even know about it. He tried to explain that there apparently had been a little miscommunication: We obviously hadn’t made it clear to Pastor Jack that we had gone to him for his counsel, not his blessing. “Yowser, Bowser!” he exclaimed.
We hung up and it hit me: I’m engaged to a man who says, “Yowser, Bowser.”
I knew immediately that I would have to leave the church. There was no way I could go through with this. I mean, isn’t there a place in a wedding ceremony where the preacher says, “You may now kiss the bride”? It might be a bit embarrassing if I offered Steve my cheek. No, I would definitely have to leave the church. I realized that I couldn’t continue to attend, knowing that every little old lady I passed in the sanctuary would be whispering, “There goes the Jezebel who broke sweet Steve Cauble’s heart.”
When Steve got back to town, we met for dinner. I anticipated an intense evening of wrestling through our options as we figured out how to clear up this terrible misunderstanding. I was not prepared for how excited Steve was. Did he sincerely believe that just because all of Foursquaredom was thrilled about our engagement that I was too?
Apparently so, because the next thing he said was, “Well, I guess if we are engaged, I ought to buy you a ring.” Why was it so hard for me to say no? Did I really think that I could avoid hurting Steve’s feelings forever by continuing this charade? Sooner or later, I was going to have to do the loving thing and break his heart.
I was able to postpone the inevitable one more time when he said, “My friend Doug bought Christa an engagement ring at the mall. Let’s go look there.” Whew, I was off the hook. The truth is, I’d known for a long time what kind of engagement ring I wanted. I also knew—no offense—that I certainly wasn’t going to find it at the mall. I was sure that it would have to be designed specifically for me. I mean, really now.
As we drove to the mall, I rested secure in my superior taste in jewelry. The man behind the counter asked me if I had anything in particular in mind. “Well, frankly, I do. But I’ve never actually seen the ring; I’ve just imagined it. Perhaps it would help if I drew it.” The gentleman handed me a piece of paper, and I proceeded to draw an emerald-cut diamond in the center surrounded by two triangular, trillion cuts on each side.
The jeweler studied the slip of paper and then reached into the case and pulled out a ring. “You mean this one?” he asked.
There it was—my ring—the one I had never actually seen before. Oh no, I thought. I had drawn it! I couldn’t take it back and say, “Well, no, come to think of it, it was more circular in shape.”
Steve was elated. He whipped out his credit card and bought it on the spot. I’m pretty sure I even heard him say, “Praise the Lord.” But the Lord obviously had nothing to do with this. I mean, God created man and woman; He created the way they created babies. He knows about these things. He surely wasn’t a part of all these “coincidences.”
A few days later I panicked and caught the first flight to Nashville to visit my childhood friend, Michelle. Either she would help me figure out what to do or I could just have my belongings shipped to Tennessee. When I got there I went to the local Christian bookstore and bought every book in the shelf on “how to find the will of God.”
I spent the next three days in bed, alternately pouring over these books and pouring out my heart to God. This had gotten way out of hand and had escalated into a crisis of faith. It was more than an issue of whether Steve was the man I was to marry; this was now about whether God was the God I was to serve.
The way I saw it, either this was all a big joke and God had capriciously manipulated our lives for His own sick entertainment, or this was all my fault for not having the courage to say no or this was God’s plan for my life and I was destined to marry a man for whom I felt very little attraction. To me, all the options were devastating.
Because either my past was all a lie or my future was to be lived as one, I had to find the truth. What did I know for certain? Let’s start at the beginning: Okay, I believe there is a God. I have met Him personally, and He has proven Himself trustworthy in my life many times. I know that I know that He adores me and that He is good through and through. He is stronger than the devil’s schemes, and He is more powerful than circumstances, coincidences, or cowardliness. I could rest in this because I also knew for certain that I had sought His will with a pure heart.
The choice was mine. Was I going to trust God or trust my heart? I knew the decision I had to make, and I felt an unexplainable peace about it. When I boarded a plane home, I was wearing my new engagement ring and carrying the “Now That You Are Engaged” book I had purchased earlier in the week. I figured that since I had decided to marry this man whether the feelings were there or not, I could probably use all the help I could get.
The first suggestion in the book was that I fill out a sheet of paper entitled, “What I love about my fiancé.” I took out a legal pad and began to list all of Steve’s wonderful qualities. There was never a question about how much I admired and respected him, so this was easy. I even recall a time shortly after getting to know Steve when I remarked to a friend, “If the woman who marries Steve Cauble doesn’t realize what a prize she has, I will personally pay her a visit and knock some sense into her.”
Before I realized what was happening to me, somewhere up there around 35,000 feet, I had completed not one, but two legal-size sheets of paper filled with unexaggerated hyperbole extolling the many virtues of Steve Cauble. As I reread my list, something totally unexpected happened.
I fell in love.
When I got off that plane, I ran into my fiancé’s arms and gave him the sloppiest kiss you ever did see!
What do you know that you know that you know about God? Do you believe that He is all-powerful? Do you trust that He is all-good? Is He all-loving and all-holy? These are questions that you need to settle in your heart. There may come a time in your life when the only thing you can count on is the character of God. And that will be enough.
I noticed quite a few Charismaniac oddities in this story. First of all, there was the Charismaniac-style famous person name-dropping. Now that I’m away from this kind of thing, it’s interesting to remember how dazzled Charismaniacs seem to be by celebrities. They will mention them from the pulpit and make special concessions for them. If you’re a famous entertainer or athlete and you go to a Charismaniac church, it’s a good bet you’ll catch the pastor’s eye and get some special attention. In this case, poor Lisa Whelchel was basically railroaded into a marriage where she wasn’t attracted to her husband, and it was at least a little bit due to the pressure she felt after Pastor Jack Hayford announced her engagement from the pulpit of a big church convention – when she wasn’t yet actually engaged. Even if it was all a big misunderstanding and he made the announcement by mistake, why did Hayford think it was OK to name-drop like that? What did he think he was proving? What reason did he have for seeming to believe Lisa Whelchel’s engagement was so important that the people at the church convention would care about it…unless Hayford wanted to impress his audience with the fact that he was the pastor of a famous person?
Secondly, it’s just sad to me that a twentysomething-year-old young woman would feel compelled to enter an attractionless marriage (to a 35-year-old pastor) because she believed God was telling her to do so through the little coincidences like how the jeweler happened to have a ring on hand that matched Whelchel’s sketch. I mean, I know that arranged marriages were the norm for thousands of years, but even a lot of Old Testament stories seem to emphasize romantic attraction. It seems to me that what Whelchel had been taught about hearing God’s voice – through so many subjective means rather than through simple scriptural common sense – helped lead her down an unnecessarily burdensome path.
And what are we to make of God-as-matchmaker now, now that Whelchel’s marriage has ended?
This sort of thing is precisely why I’m so relieved to be done with Charismania.
Charismania 
I know that some readers may point out that Whelchel claims in her story that she did fall madly in love with her husband after she made the long list of all his good qualities.
But I would argue that the very fact she went on some 12 years later to write this piece about their relationship shows that she could not possibly have really been in love with him. A truly loving wife would have had greater sensitivity to her husband’s feelings and would never tell the world about his initial lack of attractiveness to her. She’d instead feel wildly protective of him. Or, more likely, if she’d really come to adore him passionately, she wouldn’t even remember how she’d originally felt.
But sadly, after something like 12 years of marriage (remember, the “Arranged Marriage” article was written back in 2001), Whelchel feels free to diss on her husband, even to the point of joking about his use of the phrase “Yowzer, bowzer.”
Sigh.
I know marriages fail all the time. Divorce happens everywhere. But it seems obvious that even back in 2001, Whelchel was showing the world that she didn’t really care much about her husband’s feelings. I feel bad for them both.
But I feel even worse for the way the supposed voice of God had to take the rap for getting them together in the first place.
I’ve read all your articles on here and it’s been quite a journey,in some ways congruent with my own, in some ways outside of my experience and I’m very grateful for the insights you’ve brought.
However, I do think that you are judging their relationship, and there really is no ground to do so. Anything Ms. Whelchel wrote in her book has been seen and known by her husband long before it was made public. Whatever their failings behind closed doors, it isn’t for us to try to point out what they did or didn’t do wrong. To do so is IMHO to sit like Job’s friends, evaluating his character and actions, without knowing the larger picture.
Perhaps Ms Whelchel would do well to find those legal sheets she wrote, and have another 35,000 foot encounter. We don’t really know spiritually who she is now, or who Steve is either, and it’s very, very easy to point the finger from the security of our supposed steadiness. The fact that their divorce was quiet, and that they are both known as public or semi-public figures, speaks volumes to me in its silence. Personally, I sense the call to pray for them both, that whatever needs to happen in their hearts will happen, and just leave it in the hands of God, who knows them both far better than we ever will.
Dave, I agree that we can’t know why this marriage ended. This post isn’t about pointing the finger at Ms. Whelchel or her husband.
But I do think her engagement story can function as a cautionary tale, in terms of how foolish it is to depend so much upon subjective experiences. It seems to me like it’s a really bad idea to then take those subjective experiences and interpret them as God’s voice, telling us to do something specific.
No matter what sort of marriage this couple ended up building, it doesn’t sound like it started out on a firm foundation, despite what Ms. Whelchel attempted, back in 2001, to teach people.
I agree it should be a cautionary tale…. i lived this story from the other side of the marriage, and unfortunately the idea of following “God’s voice” (usually assumed by submissive, young, well meaning females to be the advice of pastors and fathers) and then disregarding the gut feelings of the heart, is a pitfall I fell into and apparently happened here as well. my heart broke for this family who is now experiencing the terrible rending and pain of the outcome of disregarding what our hearts say and blindly accepting the whims of “spiritual authorities” who have no stake in the matter. I married a man who did not love me, because I was trained to accept the advice of those over me and avoid “feelings” and other such silly nonsensical, deceitful parts of being human. My husband left and filed for divorce after 16 years of trying to be in love with someone he never loved. How i wish both of us had listened to our hearts.
I just don’t see her actions as ‘blind acceptance.’ Someone who’s considering moving across the country and ending her relationships with virtually every person in her social circle isn’t blindly accepting anything.
So,you’ve figured out why Lisa got divorced associated with her charismatic beliefs. Now tell us why all the noncharismatics get divorced.
ahumphries –
Bad logic. I never said Lisa’s marriage fell apart because she was charismatic. However, if you read the story of her “arranged marriage,” it seems glaringly obvious that her particular marriage had to have been even more challenging than usual because it was built at least in part on the shaky foundation of believing that God wanted her to marry someone to whom she wasn’t actually that attracted.
The question is why the divorce when not on biblical grounds. No stated unfaithfulness or abuse….. So the real issue is they are both leaders who made a choice that will have far reaching effect. I care for them both and am curious about why, but it is very personal and we may never know. They were both well instructed in their faith. Having been there, it’s not worth it. Very sad. By the way they have deep connections and friends in every State so neither have “uprooted”. Some say he’s gay… Some say she is opportunistic now…… Fact is we don’t know nor should wellness directly involved or affected.. Just speaking to some who are commenting. All of us who have failed Gods ideal and heart pay a price at some level in this life.
This article is a great read for all pastors, future husbands and wives. I had this one elderly lady tell me /”prophesy” to me that So and So was to be my husband. She was even going to bake the wedding cake, etc. The guy was very nice and very good looking, however, in my heart, he was not the one. Ladies, my Grandma always said, “It is better to not be married and wish you were than to be married and wish you were not!”. I almost got snookered like Lisa did but when it comes to engagement/engagement rings…that’s where to call it off at the latest. Don’t look for any human to make that decision for you. It is yours and God’s alone!
I understand where you are coming from, charismania. Like you, I took a trip through charismania. It was commonplace for us (myself and others in the movement) to always look for some way that “God said,” when in many cases we should just look at things with common sense. Like “I want to marry so-and-so” “I want to move to such and such place.” and view it in that sense- a want. We couldn’t just be honest about normal wants and needs. We had to play the “god card.”
I saw it over and over in “words” about marriage (the attraction was obvious) or who was going to have a baby next (the couple making no bones about the fact that they were ‘trying’), whether the baby was boy or girl (50/50 chance of being right….) etc, etc. It seemed like a contest to see who was most ‘prophetic’ when mostly it was just reading normal human nature.
I also saw similar instances regarding young couples who were told “yeah, we think you should get married” by leadership, when the personality or maturity conflicts were glaringly obvious to friends and family and those concerns bore out over time.
I would never want to say L. Welchel’s marriage was “God’s will” or not, because I haven’t a clue, but I understand what you are trying to say about ignoring our good sense God gave us by looking for signs that indicate God’s will for us. We can end up being led all over the place by circumstance, coincidence, and feelings.
Ever since I heard that Steve Cauble married Lisa Welchel, I just could not believe it. I went to high school with him. Almost everyone considered him some kind of dork.
I know you are trying to put this whole thing on Lisa being charismatic. But after reading your reprint, it is an old romantic theme that has played out in endless books & chik movies. The attractive female who is pursued by theNICE GUY, who is very nice & likes her. But she doesn’t have the hot buzz physical attraction the is the staple of the staple of the modern romantic idea. And he eventual wears down her reluctance. Old story in & out of church forgotten how often this plays out every place in the world. I have heard this from women including atheist woman & none believers.
I even tell people that are totally crazy about each other – that buzz goes away, biblical love is making the commitment of our will & actions to do the right thing & be faithful to each other regardless of your feelings. If you think the buzz & excitement are love you will be in & out of love & marriages. Always chasing a buzz that must mature eventually.
A little more honesty in your assessment would. But the tabloid society we have become makes it hard to trump up evidence with our favourite
Boogyman.
It is good to stop the idea God will pick a mate. It’s not in the bible, except for Eve. Even Joseph had already chosen Marry. God might give you a leading but still choice & we must work at life.
God says for us to find a mate. Someone with good character to build life with. But even still her marriage lasted longer then most in hollywood by manyfold.
I sort of feel sorry for her, but then again not. In as much as she admits she knew very little about God, and thereby I must conclude the word of God. Then how does she supposedly know so much about whether God is speaking to her or not? She assumes that she does know God is speaking to her, therefore as pride goeth before a fall, so has and did she make an ass out of herself and whoever she was actually hearing.
Steve Cauble is simply HOMOSEXUAL,
I was married at 18, under similar circumstances. My parents somehow decided that they knew God’s will for my life, picked out my husband when I was 14, and hectored me until I married him. It was a disaster. I stuck it out for 11 years. I have three wonderful children, and that was all the good I got from the relationship. We’ve been divorced for 20 years now, and I don’t regret leaving.
You know, I read a more condensed version of Lisa’s telling of how she and her husband came together years ago, and at the time I actually thought it was neat story of God playing the “Matchmaker”. Now that I’ve stepped back from “charismania”, and having read the entire story, I seriously doubt it. While I do believe that God can definitely play a part in bringing a two people who are seeking His will concerning marriage together behind the scenes through our circumstances, using wisdom and godly counsel, I believe He does this through our wills, not against them. If I had read the complete story, which by the way, has many warning flags flying concerning her doubts, lack of attraction to him, and lack of peace over the whole thing, I would have thought it horrid that she went through with it. I don’t believe God would have suggested that she consider him as a mate when she had ALREADY considered it and everything inside her said “NO!”.People tend to forget that thoughts come from one of three sources: ourselves, the enemy or God. It is very sad though, that she didn’t follow through with her commitment to the marriage and divorced him. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
I totally agree with your assessment. The chaismaniac movement was a period of casting demons out of coke machines that took your money. Everyone tried to be a more “on-time” Christian than everyone else. We young adult women were taught by older women to be submissive. I stayed in an abusive marriage for 24 years because I thought I just needed to pray harder for God to change ME. Now it’s so clear that the majority of the chrismaniac movement was fanatacism run amok. I got out of the marriage and the mindset, and I’ve never felt more at peace. I don’t know the details of Lisa’s marriage, but I am in much the same boat. I’m excited about the second chapter of my life, but I will probably never remarry since my experience was so bad. I love my life and thank God for my freedom.
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” –Jesus Christ
Jesus calls remarriage after a divorce ADULTERY because…
“A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 7:39
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4
Scripture clearly slams the door shut on remarriage. Only the first marriage exists, there is no husband and wife in a second marriage, only two people living in adultery.
Divorce does not end a marriage in Gods sight, that’s why He calls remarriage adultery!
http://www.cadz.net/mdr.html
America’s divorce rate is the world’s highest because the law permits one partner to unilaterally end a marriage.
Marriages are terminated by one person against the will of the other spouse in 80% of cases.
I wonder how many people would divorce if they knew they were forbidden to remarry as long as their spouse is still living.
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” –Jesus Christ
My spouse divorced me against my will. Don’t fool yourself, God does not allow remarriage as long as your spouse is still living.
http://www.cadz.net/mdr.html
Gracious me. All this hullaballoo over a divorce.
The arranged marriage, in my humble opinion, should have absolutely nothing to do with a divorce. Arranged marriages were the bedrock of Christian civilization for near two thousand years. Those marriages had little, if anything, to do with “falling in love”. Isaac’s marriage to Rebekah, while not arranged by parents themselves, could stand as a perfect example of what true love really is. In fact, if you analyze Isaac’s methodology, you could derive quite a few “charismaniac” strategies for betrothal. Let’s see, I am going to send my servant to a foreign land (not my father, brother or any superior or peer) and trust that whoever he brings back must be a gift from the Lord. Imagine if Jack Hayford had said that over the pulpit how badly he might be fried by non-charismatics like yourself. What I want to say is that the foolish modern notion of “falling in love” as a solid foundation for building a godly marriage or that the lack of attraction guarantees a failure down the road is just poppycock.
I do agree that two people who want to spend the rest of their days together would benefit from godly counseling, copious time in prayer and in the Scriptures and sound advice from trustworthy mentors, but the truth of the matter is that a small percentage of people have that to start out with. All that means is that they have more work to do to make a godly marriage last.
Did Lisa Whelchel’s marriage fall apart because it was arranged? Or was it for a lack of attraction? Charismania, maybe? Dear Lord, who knows these things and why should we be be so preoccupied with it? Her marriage ended for the same reason all marriages end: people are sinful. Blaming arranged marriages of charismatic beliefs is short-sighted in this case.
Arranged marriage = rape if the woman is forced toy marry against her wishes.
It was not an arranged marriage in typical arranged. There was people that commented that she should marry. But, they knew each other, and she had the choice. Not much different then a meddling friend or mom who is trying to set a group up to marry and constantly commenting on they would make a fine couple. No one forced them, even by her own words. I have known many from India that still have arranged marriages, and their divorce rates are very low. The pop culture and romantic marriage is not very old in historic terms. Started to come into vogue in the middle ages in Europe, but was many for aristocratic families. The average or peasant could not even image. But even in many arranged marriages, both parties had the choice. But in many cases the alternative was not the best either in a very harsh real world. Lisa’s was not an arranged marriage. Any true historic research on the subject would show this. Yes, people let their feelings which can never be trusting regardless of the stupid pop culture says, to influence them to get married and to divorce.
Sandi Patty is living in adultery with her current “husband”. They had an affair with each other while married to other spouses. They broke up two families to marry each other, and now think it’s “all good” because they’re legally married.
Another adulteress that comes to mind is Amy Grant.
well the Word will not tell specifically who to marry, but the spirit will… ik now this by experience (twice a no and finally a yes with the right one)… but this sounds like it wasnt the spirit guiding but satan speaking to her mind [with the help of many]. So if it was God then either she is disobedient now or God wanted them to divorce… dont think so….. I bet the right one was just around the corner (she was only 22, shame on him as a pastor) but too bad they made the choice not to make it work …
Well, I’m Pentecostal and I still cringed as I read this article. How awful. The part that really bothered me was when Pastor Hayford announced their engagement. He had no basis for that. They never said or even implied that they were engaged. Why would he do that? And why didn’t Steve hop on the mic and correct Pastor Hayford? What was he afraid of? The Bible calls us to fear God not man. So I would have jumped on that stage and said “absolutely not.” Steve was a 35 year old man. Handle it. There are diplomatic ways of handling things. Also, in my opinion, Lisa should have distanced herself from this man once he started and continued to express his feelings for her. Clearly he was hoping for something more from her as the relationship continued. Maybe she was too young to understand. But she should have cut the relationship off so the man could pursue a relationship with someone who shared the same feelings. Yes, he would have been hurt but only temporarily. Men move on very quickly. And where were her parents??? What’s she, at her age, hanging out with a “pastor” 13 years her senior? I don’t know ya’ll. Something’s just not right here.
Exactly! Well written!
Hello. I am sad for Lisa and Steve. Divorce happens in all Christian circles: Charismatic, Mainline, Bible, Reformed you name it. God’s will is mysterious indeed, and when we think know, it if life does not follow a particular “biblical” script or “Godly” outcome we think we have missed it. Simply, being a Christian involves a cross. It does not inoculate us from pain, including the pain of broken relationships. I would not judge Lisa harshly, it could be you or me.
Her story is so sad.
I, too, married due to a lack of understanding of seeking the will of God in marriage. I was raised in a home with a lot of religious abuse and got a bad understanding of God. Then when a male friend who came into my life in college started talking about the will of God and how to find it, I was in a very vulnerable position. This friend (and another friend) shared with me from a Gospel tract and I prayed the prayer with them. (I don’t know exactly when Christ entered my heart, whether I was a true believer before this event or not. That is for God to know). I wanted to find the will of God and I wanted to get away from my father’s religion, which I knew could not be right, but what I didn’t know was that I was stepping into a trap with a soon husband-to-be who was a slightly different version of my father.
I could tell that once I prayed that prayer, this “friend” now considered me a potential wife. I was not interested at all. I tried to shake him off, but felt guilty for hurting his feelings. I ended up spending more time with him again due to job circumstances and he seemed to know how to find the will of God…or so he said. This was a very dark time for me, and I could not see it. I was not myself and was in many ways alienated from my family for pulling away from my father’s religion. I was falling into the trap that women should be submissive and teachable and follow or consider themselves rebellious, but discernment was nowhere to be found. When this friend came to me with the biblical-sounding concept that we should seek God’s will for marriage and that people should not date, but rather move from friendship to engagement to marriage, it all sounded so godly and pure. When he proposed because it was the will of God to do so, I accepted. From almost that very moment I felt nervous and wanted out, but he had me convinced that breaking an engagement was tantamount to divorce. It was already too late. Then somewhere during our engagement, we had our first kiss. It was like kissing my brother. I can’t relate the feeling I had that I was now stuck with no way out. We married. I truly did seek to please God and move past my feelings in this matter, but the marriage was a sham from the start. I tried for many years to achieve intimacy with this man – spiritual, emotional, physical – but it simply could not be done. Our physical relationship was never more than a robotic using of my body on his part. My health tanked. I am still in it, and it is a mess.
I urge people to be very, very careful about “seeking the will of God.” Doing so by putting too much weight in the words, actions, or desires of other people, no matter how “godly” or if in some supposed spiritual authority over you, or looking to circumstances for serendipity or coincidence is VERY dangerous. I happen to think Satan is a master at this. When it comes to marriage, there absolutely should be some kind of spark or attraction. Anything else goes entirely against the grain of how God made us. I am not talking about unrestrained lust, but I do believe in some innocent kisses and embraces to determine if there is any chemistry at all. There should also be a serious reliance on your own intuition. God gave it to you for a reason. If there are any red flags, no matter how small, look and listen and r
That last line on the comment I submitted earlier today is supposed to say, “If there are any red flags, no matter how small, look and listen and run.”
I know that a lot of people sadly get off into excess about hearing God’s voice, but that does NOT undo the FACT that He STILL SPEAKS today! Yes, put the written word (Bible) first, and recognize that the enemy does try to counterfeit God’s voice (“test the spirits”), but don’t give up on God’s speaking altogether!